Seriously, what a long-winded rant.

I have a bad habit of putting off going to bed when Aaron's not around, so I figured I would blog. lol

I haven't weighed myself and I haven't tracked and I have dieted at all this week. Next week though, it's all starting again. This week was a test. For myself - to see if I could handle it w/o tracking and all that stuff. I can tell that my weight is up - way up. And plus, I feel like I am giving myself free reign to eat whatever I want b/c "who's gonna know?" kinda thing. I failed my test to be sure and fell right back into my old eating habits. But I guess I'm just not in a place mentally yet to restrain myself from my bad habits w/o keeping them in check. Does that make sense?

Anyway, Aaron gets home on Sunday, Monday I'm having a steriod injection into my back and I'll be out of commision for Monday, but I'm hoping that Tuesday I'll be able to start going back to the gym. I talked w/Aaron tonight about it and I am making the committment to go to the gym, even if I can't take the girls yet. I'll just have to go when they're in bed or Aaron will have to keep them. But I've got to start getting back there! Also, I'm making a new committment to tracking whatnot too once I start going back to the gym. Or even before - we'll see.

To tell the truth, I've been in a kinda depressed place yesterday and today. Maybe this is not the place to share this, but I'm a pretty open person. Besides, Maureen is the only one that I haven't met or known since we were practically embroyos.

So Thursday morning at my ortho apt the dr was telling me that with my disk problems and whatnot, having more children is pretty risky for me. I could injure my back worse. I could cause permanent leg weakness, loss of feeling, etc b/c I have all this disk fluid seeping into my nerve canal in my spine. Of course, it's all just a hypothesis and a gamble. But nonetheless, it's been hard to absorb for me.

So what do I do when I'm depressed or stressed or don't know what to do? I eat. I realize this about me. I know I do it, but the last couple of days, I just haven't cared. I suppose it's kinda like those people who are on oxygen that still continue to smoke. I don't mean to sound so negative on here - that's not how I like to be viewed I suppose. And I will cope and face up to whatever it is. I will get my eating under control and start exercising again and lose the weight that I have gained in the last week or so because I know that I can do it. And I know I should. And I know how. And damn it, I'm worth it. Ok, that sounded a little "Lifetime" movie-ish or Biggest Loser-ish, but what I'm meaning, w/o being cheesey or cliche, is that I wasted enough of my life being fat and I'm not going back there again. There were too many things that I missed out on or too many unhappy days as it is, so I'm gonna suck it up and fix it. I just have/had to give myself some time to grieve I suppose. It stinks that after losing all this weight and coming so far (like 80 lbs for those of you who are new), that how I grieve and cope with stuff is still by EATING. How messed up. lol

Anyway, each day is new. Tomorrow my goals are to get rid of the cookies that I made today. ANd not by eating them, lol. Drink lots of water, get out of the house and do some stuff that does not involve eating.