Sorry I didn't post Fri - with bunco and all I just didn't get time to do it. I DID weigh in on Fri and it was 156.4... which I think is the same as Monday, but honestly I don't remember. I'm ok with being the same b/c I didn't track my calories at all. Plus, I was much more lax about eating. Not that I ate bad stuff - I just wasn't obessing about it all the time and I ate oatmeal for breakfast... yumm.... oatmeal.
Anyway - today I didn't weigh in. This weekend I think I drank a total of 64 oz of water... if you combine all the days into one, that is. So I'm doing better today, then I'll weigh tomorrow and hopefully won't want to throw myself off a bridge. Or at least my scale off a bridge.
But something else that is bothering me...
I keep wondering when I'll be "thin." I thought that at 165 I would be down. I thought that at 160 I wouldn't have much more to lose. I thought that at 155, or at least 152, I'd look all lean and stuff. And I do feel good, for the most part, about the way that I look, but I keep wondering when I will be "thin." Like when will people go "no, you must never have been that big... you're so thin." You know what I mean? I'm not doing a good job of articulating it. Almost like - when do you cross over from being 'overweight,' to 'average,' to 'thin?'
I was standing around with some of our friends on Fri night and we're talking about weight and exercise and whatnot and someone goes, "no offense Brittney, because you're thin...." (I don't remember the rest of that conversation.) But when do we all get to fit in that category? I know that I shouldn't be fixed on a number or what people say, but I just wonder what people think when they see me. For so long I was 'bigger.' Then I was just plain fat. Now, what am I? Because it doesn't seem I'm in that same category, although I don't think I'm that much bigger than our friend Brittney (who is cute, don't get me wrong!). And if I'm being honest with myself and consequently you, I've always felt a little uncomfortable around skinny people... like I don't fit in. I feel/felt like I stick out like sore thumb. Will that ever change, no matter how much weight I lose?
I should seriously connect my scanner (which I would right now, but it includes finding the cords and downloading the drivers) and scan in a picture of me 5 years ago and a picture now.
Alright, my rant is over. Maybe I'll go see if I can find my scanner cables.
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I remember the rest of that conversation. We were talking about how "thin" people are miserable because they don't let themselves enjoy anything. And how much happier we generally are because we let ourselves have a cookie or drink a coke. Brittney is thin and cute, but I would put you in the same category. You look fantastic!! And I think the fact that you look so good is even more awesome because you've got two really young children. (I know Britney is a mom as well, just don't remember the details.) Anyway, please don't be so hard on yourself. You're gorgeous!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd as for feeling comfortable around skinny people, I don't know what to tell you. I have those same feelings about sticking out like a sore thumb.
My advice is that you need to focus on how you feel and how you are health wise. Woman need to quit comparing themselves, and quit wondering what other woman would categorize the as. Do you categorize every one in your life on wether they are over weight, average, or thin? Probably not. Remember that there are people that have A LOT more weight to lose and if we tried to categorize ourselves, we wouldn't get out of bed most morning, because of the depression. You have got to be easier on yourself or you will drive yourself insane! Go for healthy and that will be your best bet.
ReplyDeleteYou have worked SO hard and lost SO much weight! I think it's awesome and you deserve recognition for all that hard work. I don't know at what point people will view you as thin. I'm sure that it all depends on the individual perception of the person. To me you are thin.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note, I am glad that I have you to talk to since YOU KNOW what it's like to have so much to lose that it seems overwhelming. You are incredible, thanks for listening and sympathizing with me even when I am not making the best choices. I am sure it's tough to sympathize when you are making those tough choices everyday and have been for the past 4 years.
It's not tough to sympathize! Especially since I know all you're doing and you're working so hard at it!
ReplyDeleteThanks, ugh, I guess I've been on this weight loss roller coaster for 4.5 years now - right after that picture was taken. I wish I could have found a different one b/c it doesn't quite show exactly *how* big I was b/c of the sweatshirt, but alas, my scanner won't work with my new computer. Anyway, I've lost about 80 lbs. If you count from my highest weight (when I was pg with Sophie), then I've lost 95.
Of course I've gained a lot of it back and then taken it off again, especially with Sophie's pregnancy, so if you wanted to count all the weight that I've lost total, I'm sure it'd be way up there! ... hmmm, just thinking aloud here, I gained 55 lbs with Sophie and 35 with Brielle, so there's at least another 90 right there. Crazy! Right now I'm smaller than I was in high school. And I guess what I was getting at is that I still feel lumped into a certain category, even if in my mind, and I feel like this is as little as I'm going to get. So if I don't feel thin at this point, will I ever? Oh well. I suppose with my body type and genetics, I will never be off this roller coaster ride - just won't be having lose as much as maintain. However, I don't think that I'll ever get to go back to eating pasta and having dessert once a week. Otherwise, I'll be right back where I started so long ago.